Bikini Mama

It is almost swimsuit season...you know what that means! In exactly three months I will be standing in front of a full sized mirror under harsh fluorescent lighting swearing I will never eat again and cursing my terrible body genes. Unfortunately I am cursed with a low threshold for starvation and an affinity for eating, to put it simpler, I am screwed. I wasn't blessed with a model's ability to eat under 500 calories a day and I certainly am not one of those women who are blessed with a naturally thin body. If I want to be thin I need to work hard for it. Daily gym visits, food logs, dessert deprivation AND even then, I still have curves. Skinny rail thin women say how badly they want curves, how they wish they had a butt or hips. If only they knew that with curves, came the constant threat of looking heavy even with the tiniest jump of the scale. I run double digit miles every week, I play soccer, I do pilates and I even recently cut out all refined sugar from my daily plate. Even with this I still am no supermodel and I am still not the ideal candidate for 7 jeans. Society is harsh on women, case and point, Jessica in her mom jeans....
The truth is that yes, this girl is a little heavier than the Jessica we know, but she is by no means heavy or fat or even thick. This is a girl who gained 5 pounds or so and picked a terrible outfit for her current body type. And yes, this is a crime in itself, given that she has stylists, tons of money and the looming threat of criticism. Often times I think that with money to spend on nicer clothes other than my current choice of cheap synthetic Forever 21 clothing, I would look much more attractive and stress less on how what I am wearing makes me look even fatter. But how is a normal girl like me supposed to feel attractive when the ideal of beautiful isn't Jessica Simpson plus 5 pounds? Especially when the normal woman is Jessica Simpson plus 20 pounds?

To remain beautiful in society's eyes requires constant and vigilant attention and deprivation. We don't have it like men do. Most men don't have the unfortunate voice in their head that says...I can't walk around naked because my ass is too big or my thighs are too giggly. Men are lucky in that they can look like ass but still walk around like they are Brad Pitt circa Thelma and Louise. And when a girl does walk around, unconsumed with her body flaws - - case and point -- Jennifer Love with her buxom floaties, she is attacked and criticized for letting herself go.
I do agree, Jennifer is not the picture of perfection here, however neither am I. And if I had to pick a body type that I felt mine looked like in a bikini, I would have to say that Miss. Love and I have more in common here than we don't have in common. As bikini season nears, and my naked anxiety increases, I am plagued by the idea that sometimes, the only thing harsher than the terrible fluorescent lighting in the dressing room, is society and their unrelenting views on beauty.