Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Julia's Bridal Shower!
On August 2, 2008 my brother will kiss single life goodbye and will marry a wonderful wonderful person, Jules. Jules and I were very good friends in high school and after years of losing touch...agree that we never would have saw this coming. Life is funny that way. Sometimes the best things come when they are least expected.
Natalie, Jules and Tandi
Tandi and her awesome mom Bonnie
Emily and My Aunt Pam
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Contractions
The good thing about breakups is that eventually the pain fades away. No matter how heart wrenching and painful the pain fades. One minute you're crying uncontrollably and the next you're filled with hope. Hopeful for what tomorrow has in store for you. The hard part is you can never time those moments. You can't tell if the time when you're in a work meeting is going to be the moment that you feel hope or the moment you're going to be overcome by desperation. Desperation so intense that anybody who makes eye contact with you can send you into hysterics.
When going through a break up, your feelings are not your own. They belong to the moment and the moment is as unpredictable as a teenager on prom night. And for everyone the breakup recovery time is different because it's not a science, it's an art form. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could log on to a website, complete a survey and get a compiled analysis based on our responses to how long we can expect to mourn over our failed relationship:
Were you married...add 70 days
Did he cheat...add 37 days
If you were together for more than a year...add 50 days
If you weren't the one to end the relationship...add 45 days
Did he turn out to be a complete pussy....subtract 22 days
Total Mourn Time: 180 Days
Someone once told me that it takes twice the time you were with someone to finally get over them. I'm not sure how much truth there is in that statement but I do think that recovery time is in direct correlation with how honest you are with your emotions. You can be stuck in anger, resentment or rage in order to help yourself get over a relationship...and for many anger may sustain their emotional safety for years. Or you can be honest with your emotions and embrace them as they come.
If you feel SAD...cry.
If you feel MAD...yell.
If you feel HOPELESS....eat...don't ever underestimate the healing powers of foods covered in salt, butter or sugar and all things dipped in ranch dressing.
Anger is a powerful thing, but it isn't real. Anger isn't the pure emotion it's the reaction that we get when we feel sad, scared and hopeless. I'm guilty of moving to anger. In past relationships anger was my dear close and trusted friend. When I went through a break up it would carry me with such ease that I would sail from one relationship to the next. Thinking to myself, "Well clearly I wasn't in love with that person, because if I was, how the heck could I be doing so well right now?"
But in the end it always caught up with me. I even got back together with some ex's because once my anger high crashed me into the ground of sadness all my true emotions bubbled back up. Instead of realizing that these were skeleton memories I thought they meant I still loved the guy...so I got back together with him only to find myself in the midst of repeat break up months later. It was like some really messed up torturous Groundhog Day.
Don't get me wrong, there have been a few relationships I regret walking away from and wonder what would have happened had I stayed. But the truth is, and forgive me for sounding like a stitched grandma pillow, everything happens for a reason. Should I have stayed I may have never learned all I have about relationships at this point in my life.
I was just in a relationship with someone I thought I knew. The truth is that I met him, fell in love with him and four months into the relationship things began to fall apart. He stopped being the sweet person I was in love with and began to become resentful and quick tempered. The scary thing is that people change over the years. Someone you knew for years and years may do something so out of left field that it leaves you feeling like you never knew them at all...but inherently if the love is there I have to trust that it will see you through.
If I am going to continue to be honest with myself I would have to say I knew there were red flags throughout the relationship but instead of running away, like I have a tendency to do, I stayed and tried to work on it. I spent months on a recon mission trying to find the man I fell in love with. But as the great and wise Oprah always says...trust your gut, and I publicly apologize to you now Ms. Winfrey, I did not take your infinite wisdom.
In all my past relationships I've always known when my gut was telling me to walk away. Somehow my gut knew better than I that my dating journey wasn't over yet. I still had places to go, guys to kiss and guys to regret...I still had bars to visit, places to dance and movies to go to.
Relationships have so much to do with timing. I've met people that I could picture myself settling down with only to find that he was still in the, "I would rather go to a club or bar than watch Netflix with you and BBQ on Friday night" phase. I am starting to think that relationships have much more to do with timing than with love. If the fate and timing gods smile upon your courtship...then maybe you get lucky and your paths stay crossed and time won't lead you astray.
I have digressed from my initial point. Breakups are hard...they are harder than hard...they are torture. They turn you upside down, they make you fear things you never found scary before like listening to the radio, going to certain restaurants, eating certain foods, traveling to certain locations, seeing certain pictures.
The world suddenly becomes saturated with couples...suddenly it seems like everyone is getting married or having babies or finding someone wonderful....everyone except you. But I find comfort when I try to realize that I am mourning the death of the relationship, the loss of something I thought life had in store for me. In my current situation (and many of the ones before) I am starting to realize that my pain isn't that much about losing them, it's about losing what I thought they meant to my life.
I am in day three and I have to say my breakup contractions are growing further and further apart. My empty house seemed less scary this morning and I can only hope that tomorrow it's even less so. Maybe next weekI will be able to look at his picture without getting a lump in my throat and hopefully next month I can go to a somewhere we use to go to together without feeling like I have rubber bands around my stomach.
And maybe...just maybe in a few months time I will be able to smile back at that one guy and begin a new chapter using all I have learned in this relationship to make the next journey better.
When going through a break up, your feelings are not your own. They belong to the moment and the moment is as unpredictable as a teenager on prom night. And for everyone the breakup recovery time is different because it's not a science, it's an art form. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could log on to a website, complete a survey and get a compiled analysis based on our responses to how long we can expect to mourn over our failed relationship:
Were you married...add 70 days
Did he cheat...add 37 days
If you were together for more than a year...add 50 days
If you weren't the one to end the relationship...add 45 days
Did he turn out to be a complete pussy....subtract 22 days
Total Mourn Time: 180 Days
Someone once told me that it takes twice the time you were with someone to finally get over them. I'm not sure how much truth there is in that statement but I do think that recovery time is in direct correlation with how honest you are with your emotions. You can be stuck in anger, resentment or rage in order to help yourself get over a relationship...and for many anger may sustain their emotional safety for years. Or you can be honest with your emotions and embrace them as they come.
If you feel SAD...cry.
If you feel MAD...yell.
If you feel HOPELESS....eat...don't ever underestimate the healing powers of foods covered in salt, butter or sugar and all things dipped in ranch dressing.
Anger is a powerful thing, but it isn't real. Anger isn't the pure emotion it's the reaction that we get when we feel sad, scared and hopeless. I'm guilty of moving to anger. In past relationships anger was my dear close and trusted friend. When I went through a break up it would carry me with such ease that I would sail from one relationship to the next. Thinking to myself, "Well clearly I wasn't in love with that person, because if I was, how the heck could I be doing so well right now?"
But in the end it always caught up with me. I even got back together with some ex's because once my anger high crashed me into the ground of sadness all my true emotions bubbled back up. Instead of realizing that these were skeleton memories I thought they meant I still loved the guy...so I got back together with him only to find myself in the midst of repeat break up months later. It was like some really messed up torturous Groundhog Day.
Don't get me wrong, there have been a few relationships I regret walking away from and wonder what would have happened had I stayed. But the truth is, and forgive me for sounding like a stitched grandma pillow, everything happens for a reason. Should I have stayed I may have never learned all I have about relationships at this point in my life.
I was just in a relationship with someone I thought I knew. The truth is that I met him, fell in love with him and four months into the relationship things began to fall apart. He stopped being the sweet person I was in love with and began to become resentful and quick tempered. The scary thing is that people change over the years. Someone you knew for years and years may do something so out of left field that it leaves you feeling like you never knew them at all...but inherently if the love is there I have to trust that it will see you through.
If I am going to continue to be honest with myself I would have to say I knew there were red flags throughout the relationship but instead of running away, like I have a tendency to do, I stayed and tried to work on it. I spent months on a recon mission trying to find the man I fell in love with. But as the great and wise Oprah always says...trust your gut, and I publicly apologize to you now Ms. Winfrey, I did not take your infinite wisdom.
In all my past relationships I've always known when my gut was telling me to walk away. Somehow my gut knew better than I that my dating journey wasn't over yet. I still had places to go, guys to kiss and guys to regret...I still had bars to visit, places to dance and movies to go to.
Relationships have so much to do with timing. I've met people that I could picture myself settling down with only to find that he was still in the, "I would rather go to a club or bar than watch Netflix with you and BBQ on Friday night" phase. I am starting to think that relationships have much more to do with timing than with love. If the fate and timing gods smile upon your courtship...then maybe you get lucky and your paths stay crossed and time won't lead you astray.
I have digressed from my initial point. Breakups are hard...they are harder than hard...they are torture. They turn you upside down, they make you fear things you never found scary before like listening to the radio, going to certain restaurants, eating certain foods, traveling to certain locations, seeing certain pictures.
The world suddenly becomes saturated with couples...suddenly it seems like everyone is getting married or having babies or finding someone wonderful....everyone except you. But I find comfort when I try to realize that I am mourning the death of the relationship, the loss of something I thought life had in store for me. In my current situation (and many of the ones before) I am starting to realize that my pain isn't that much about losing them, it's about losing what I thought they meant to my life.
I am in day three and I have to say my breakup contractions are growing further and further apart. My empty house seemed less scary this morning and I can only hope that tomorrow it's even less so. Maybe next weekI will be able to look at his picture without getting a lump in my throat and hopefully next month I can go to a somewhere we use to go to together without feeling like I have rubber bands around my stomach.
And maybe...just maybe in a few months time I will be able to smile back at that one guy and begin a new chapter using all I have learned in this relationship to make the next journey better.
Monday, July 14, 2008
break up, break down
The only thing that is holding me together right now is Gloria Gayner in my head singing "I Will Survive". The only thing that got me to stop crying and wallowing last night was Season Two of Sex and the City, the episodes where Samantha, Miranda and Charolette gathered around Carrie to help her over the break-up with "Big" (for the first time). Well, that and the fact that my friend stayed with me so I didn't have to face the empty apartment filled with the stench of memories, alone.
Showers, eating, sleeping, walking, talking all seem like impossible tasks. Each time I try to take the first step I may as well be climbing Everest with a elephant on my back. I made it to work but focusing on anything else besides breathing deeply from one minute to the next is the only thing I am capable of. My eyes look puffy and only half the people I tell that I have allergies today actually believe me. I can't help but recount every moment of yesterday. From the moment I walked out the door, to the moment I walked through the door to unexpectedly find our entire apartment empty. Left with nothing but questions on how did the man I thought I loved turn out to be less than a man. A coward who scurries away secretly while I am out for the day, leaving me to return to an empty apartment with no bed to sleep in, no note, no phone call, no explaination.
I will not say I was perfect for a minute, I know my faults and what I did wrong. What I don't know is how someone who said they loved you moments before, someone who said they wanted to build a life with you...just runs away from it all to hide. I will never have the answers...and really Iwhy do I even need them. I understood he didn't want to be with me anymore what I struggle to understand is how he could do it so cold heartedly with no remorse, no feelings and no love at all. The "man" I knew never even existed. Why would I want someone who doesn't love and appreciate me? Someone who is childish in the way they deal with emotions and relationships. Someone who is resentful and spineless. I move through the different stages of loss with each passing minute, without staying in any of them too long....
Questioning: How strong can love be when one moment someone says they love you and want to build a life with you and the next they shut down and walk away? Love must be only as strong as the moment it's in. It's imperfect and wavering. For once I wanted to try my best to make it work and as a result I am left with nothing but questions.
Anger: He is a bastard, a coward, a liar, a con. He isn't a man, he isn't even half a man, if he were here I would punch him, bite him, stab him, tear his hair out. He is a child, an emotional cripple, he deserves to spend all his days in torment.
Sadness: The uncontrollable sobbing I do in the most random of moments, one minute I feel fine and hopeful and then a second later I am sobbing hysterically from the deepest part of my gut. Feeling hopeless and scared and confused and most painfully, never loved.
Denial: I think this is the moment right before sadness. It's that moment where my mind for a split second says, "there is no way this is happening"...."there is no way this is for real, he will come back, he will be sorry and he will do something amazing to try and show how sorry he is." This lasts for a split second and then I realize what an asshole he is and then I move to anger.
Relief: If only I could stay here for most of my time the pain would pass much quicker. I don't have to deal with him putting me down, I feel free from his rude comments and misplaced anger, I feel hopeful that someday I will find someone who is all he could never be, I no longer have to deal with his unreasonable, coddling, imbalanced mother. I don't have to be with someone who exists only to work, I feel relieved that I finally get a chance to be with someone who appreciates me and my dogs and all that I bring to the table.
Regret: I should have left him months ago. I should have seen this coming. I shouldn't have held my tongue in those moments when he said terrible things to me. I shouldn't have given him so much credit. I am a terrible judge of character. I regret the day I met him, I regret moving in with him, I regret ever trying to convince myself that he was more than what he really was.
Acceptance: Granted it is only day one, which is why I'm sure I have spent very little time in this stage. I accept that he has left...and that is okay with me. What I struggle to accept is the horrible way in which he chose to leave. I can't accept that and I don't know if I ever will.
Forgiveness: He sent me a text message - - yes a chicken shit text message - - saying that he hopes one day I will be able to forgive him. I don't know if I will ever get to that point. Right now I am stuck in the "I want you to burn in hell and torment" point. And quite honestly I am pretty comfortable here.
When you're going through a break up you need your friends. I have grown terrified of quiet rooms in my house. Going into the bedroom feels like diving to the bottom of a pool, holding my breath long enough to grab some clothes and then having to burst out, scared that I am going to drown.
My friends have gathered around me like I knew they would. Those with significant others stand in strength. My single friends do the same, but are silently thanking their stars that they aren't me. They ask questions trying to decode the mystery of it all, hoping to spare themselves some pain in the future based on my experience.
One of my friends wants to egg his car, T.P. his mom's house and call him to yell at him. While I would never let her do so (nor would she ever follow through) I love the idea of it and have spent a good part of today picturing it in my head. But I am human and with that comes the need for revenge. And oh, how badly I want revenge. I want to punch him in the face, say all the mean things I held inside because I didn't want to hurt him. I pray that I will get it one day..and when I do it will be the revenge in finding someone wonderful that is everything he wasn't. Someone who appreciates me the way I deserve, someone who loves me for my faults and for my strengths. And for as long as I need it I will sing along with Gloria, watch as many movies as I can and lean on my family and friends. I did love the idea of who he was but he turned out to be nothing at all. He isn't my lobster...he may have moved out but I will move on.
Showers, eating, sleeping, walking, talking all seem like impossible tasks. Each time I try to take the first step I may as well be climbing Everest with a elephant on my back. I made it to work but focusing on anything else besides breathing deeply from one minute to the next is the only thing I am capable of. My eyes look puffy and only half the people I tell that I have allergies today actually believe me. I can't help but recount every moment of yesterday. From the moment I walked out the door, to the moment I walked through the door to unexpectedly find our entire apartment empty. Left with nothing but questions on how did the man I thought I loved turn out to be less than a man. A coward who scurries away secretly while I am out for the day, leaving me to return to an empty apartment with no bed to sleep in, no note, no phone call, no explaination.
I will not say I was perfect for a minute, I know my faults and what I did wrong. What I don't know is how someone who said they loved you moments before, someone who said they wanted to build a life with you...just runs away from it all to hide. I will never have the answers...and really Iwhy do I even need them. I understood he didn't want to be with me anymore what I struggle to understand is how he could do it so cold heartedly with no remorse, no feelings and no love at all. The "man" I knew never even existed. Why would I want someone who doesn't love and appreciate me? Someone who is childish in the way they deal with emotions and relationships. Someone who is resentful and spineless. I move through the different stages of loss with each passing minute, without staying in any of them too long....
Questioning: How strong can love be when one moment someone says they love you and want to build a life with you and the next they shut down and walk away? Love must be only as strong as the moment it's in. It's imperfect and wavering. For once I wanted to try my best to make it work and as a result I am left with nothing but questions.
Anger: He is a bastard, a coward, a liar, a con. He isn't a man, he isn't even half a man, if he were here I would punch him, bite him, stab him, tear his hair out. He is a child, an emotional cripple, he deserves to spend all his days in torment.
Sadness: The uncontrollable sobbing I do in the most random of moments, one minute I feel fine and hopeful and then a second later I am sobbing hysterically from the deepest part of my gut. Feeling hopeless and scared and confused and most painfully, never loved.
Denial: I think this is the moment right before sadness. It's that moment where my mind for a split second says, "there is no way this is happening"...."there is no way this is for real, he will come back, he will be sorry and he will do something amazing to try and show how sorry he is." This lasts for a split second and then I realize what an asshole he is and then I move to anger.
Relief: If only I could stay here for most of my time the pain would pass much quicker. I don't have to deal with him putting me down, I feel free from his rude comments and misplaced anger, I feel hopeful that someday I will find someone who is all he could never be, I no longer have to deal with his unreasonable, coddling, imbalanced mother. I don't have to be with someone who exists only to work, I feel relieved that I finally get a chance to be with someone who appreciates me and my dogs and all that I bring to the table.
Regret: I should have left him months ago. I should have seen this coming. I shouldn't have held my tongue in those moments when he said terrible things to me. I shouldn't have given him so much credit. I am a terrible judge of character. I regret the day I met him, I regret moving in with him, I regret ever trying to convince myself that he was more than what he really was.
Acceptance: Granted it is only day one, which is why I'm sure I have spent very little time in this stage. I accept that he has left...and that is okay with me. What I struggle to accept is the horrible way in which he chose to leave. I can't accept that and I don't know if I ever will.
Forgiveness: He sent me a text message - - yes a chicken shit text message - - saying that he hopes one day I will be able to forgive him. I don't know if I will ever get to that point. Right now I am stuck in the "I want you to burn in hell and torment" point. And quite honestly I am pretty comfortable here.
When you're going through a break up you need your friends. I have grown terrified of quiet rooms in my house. Going into the bedroom feels like diving to the bottom of a pool, holding my breath long enough to grab some clothes and then having to burst out, scared that I am going to drown.
My friends have gathered around me like I knew they would. Those with significant others stand in strength. My single friends do the same, but are silently thanking their stars that they aren't me. They ask questions trying to decode the mystery of it all, hoping to spare themselves some pain in the future based on my experience.
One of my friends wants to egg his car, T.P. his mom's house and call him to yell at him. While I would never let her do so (nor would she ever follow through) I love the idea of it and have spent a good part of today picturing it in my head. But I am human and with that comes the need for revenge. And oh, how badly I want revenge. I want to punch him in the face, say all the mean things I held inside because I didn't want to hurt him. I pray that I will get it one day..and when I do it will be the revenge in finding someone wonderful that is everything he wasn't. Someone who appreciates me the way I deserve, someone who loves me for my faults and for my strengths. And for as long as I need it I will sing along with Gloria, watch as many movies as I can and lean on my family and friends. I did love the idea of who he was but he turned out to be nothing at all. He isn't my lobster...he may have moved out but I will move on.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Random Thoughts I Wonder
If I met me would I like me?
How bad would that suck if I didn't like myself if I were another person and met me. Would that mean I am just a really judgemental person of other people or would it mean that I am a horrible person and unlikeable?
Would I have gotten along with my mom in high school?
Not like did I get along with her in high school but if she were also in high school at the same time I was (think Michael J. Fox and Lea Thompson) would I like her or would she be one of the girls I talked trash on?
What was there before the world was created?
There had to be something before. Even "nothing" is something was there just black everywhere...because that would still be something.
If I grew up before/during the Civil Rights Movement, would I have been proud of the person I was?
So many times I wonder who I would be if I grew up in a different time in history. I am proud of who I am today and how I treat people; how I value other races, ethnicity's, religions. But how much of that "acceptance" is due to how I was raised and how much of it is due to who I am inherently? In college I studied about crowd mentality and how societal "norms" have a lot to do with what people come to consider as "wrong" or "right". That being said, if I grew up in another time, say in the South during Civil Rights would I have been someone who stood up for the oppressed or would I have been one of the oppressors? I would hope that no matter where or when I grew up in time I would know right from wrong, not based upon law or upon my community but based upon the basic human principle that everyone is of the same fabric. I had the amazing opportunity once to sit with civil rights leader, Andrew Young who was right beside Martin Luther King, Jr. as his top aide during the Civil Rights Movement. I was astounded to listen to his stories of marching into angry mobs fighting for what he knew was right. I listened to him tell me a story about those he considered his friends, like Rosa Parks, fight beside him for equality. I would like to think that I would have been fighting right beside him too. Fighting for what I believed to be right and just. Fighting for something that I would have already had because of the color of my skin, but seeing it as an equal necessity as he did because we both lived in the same world. Thinking like this also reminds me that today, in my world, it is so important not to become comfortable in the discomfort of injustice but to be someone who goes against the crowd when you know something is wrong.
How bad would that suck if I didn't like myself if I were another person and met me. Would that mean I am just a really judgemental person of other people or would it mean that I am a horrible person and unlikeable?
Would I have gotten along with my mom in high school?
Not like did I get along with her in high school but if she were also in high school at the same time I was (think Michael J. Fox and Lea Thompson) would I like her or would she be one of the girls I talked trash on?
What was there before the world was created?
There had to be something before. Even "nothing" is something was there just black everywhere...because that would still be something.
If I grew up before/during the Civil Rights Movement, would I have been proud of the person I was?
So many times I wonder who I would be if I grew up in a different time in history. I am proud of who I am today and how I treat people; how I value other races, ethnicity's, religions. But how much of that "acceptance" is due to how I was raised and how much of it is due to who I am inherently? In college I studied about crowd mentality and how societal "norms" have a lot to do with what people come to consider as "wrong" or "right". That being said, if I grew up in another time, say in the South during Civil Rights would I have been someone who stood up for the oppressed or would I have been one of the oppressors? I would hope that no matter where or when I grew up in time I would know right from wrong, not based upon law or upon my community but based upon the basic human principle that everyone is of the same fabric. I had the amazing opportunity once to sit with civil rights leader, Andrew Young who was right beside Martin Luther King, Jr. as his top aide during the Civil Rights Movement. I was astounded to listen to his stories of marching into angry mobs fighting for what he knew was right. I listened to him tell me a story about those he considered his friends, like Rosa Parks, fight beside him for equality. I would like to think that I would have been fighting right beside him too. Fighting for what I believed to be right and just. Fighting for something that I would have already had because of the color of my skin, but seeing it as an equal necessity as he did because we both lived in the same world. Thinking like this also reminds me that today, in my world, it is so important not to become comfortable in the discomfort of injustice but to be someone who goes against the crowd when you know something is wrong.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Watch Out NY Here Comes Yogurtland
My soon to be sister-in-law Jules told me about her happiest place on earth, it's a little place called Yogurtland which is a self-serve oasis of frozen yogurt in traditional flavors like vanilla and cookies and cream, to more exotic flavors like green tea and taro.
Once you have filled up your cup you then can move on to the toppings station and pile it on to your heart's content. Until recently we thought Yogurtland only existed in Orange County, however to my surprise we found one in NY. This place is just as busy as the Yogurtland in Tustin however I realized that everyone seemed to only buy Yogurt here in pint sizes. For a minute I thought New Yorkers justified the pints because of all the walking they do but upon further investigation I discovered that the store only stocks pint sized cups. So you see officer, I had no choice but to buy an entire pint of Yogurt and eat it in the taxi on the way back to my hotel.
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