break up, break down

The only thing that is holding me together right now is Gloria Gayner in my head singing "I Will Survive". The only thing that got me to stop crying and wallowing last night was Season Two of Sex and the City, the episodes where Samantha, Miranda and Charolette gathered around Carrie to help her over the break-up with "Big" (for the first time). Well, that and the fact that my friend stayed with me so I didn't have to face the empty apartment filled with the stench of memories, alone.

Showers, eating, sleeping, walking, talking all seem like impossible tasks. Each time I try to take the first step I may as well be climbing Everest with a elephant on my back. I made it to work but focusing on anything else besides breathing deeply from one minute to the next is the only thing I am capable of. My eyes look puffy and only half the people I tell that I have allergies today actually believe me. I can't help but recount every moment of yesterday. From the moment I walked out the door, to the moment I walked through the door to unexpectedly find our entire apartment empty. Left with nothing but questions on how did the man I thought I loved turn out to be less than a man. A coward who scurries away secretly while I am out for the day, leaving me to return to an empty apartment with no bed to sleep in, no note, no phone call, no explaination.

I will not say I was perfect for a minute, I know my faults and what I did wrong. What I don't know is how someone who said they loved you moments before, someone who said they wanted to build a life with you...just runs away from it all to hide. I will never have the answers...and really Iwhy do I even need them. I understood he didn't want to be with me anymore what I struggle to understand is how he could do it so cold heartedly with no remorse, no feelings and no love at all. The "man" I knew never even existed. Why would I want someone who doesn't love and appreciate me? Someone who is childish in the way they deal with emotions and relationships. Someone who is resentful and spineless. I move through the different stages of loss with each passing minute, without staying in any of them too long....

Questioning: How strong can love be when one moment someone says they love you and want to build a life with you and the next they shut down and walk away? Love must be only as strong as the moment it's in. It's imperfect and wavering. For once I wanted to try my best to make it work and as a result I am left with nothing but questions.

Anger: He is a bastard, a coward, a liar, a con. He isn't a man, he isn't even half a man, if he were here I would punch him, bite him, stab him, tear his hair out. He is a child, an emotional cripple, he deserves to spend all his days in torment.

Sadness: The uncontrollable sobbing I do in the most random of moments, one minute I feel fine and hopeful and then a second later I am sobbing hysterically from the deepest part of my gut. Feeling hopeless and scared and confused and most painfully, never loved.

Denial: I think this is the moment right before sadness. It's that moment where my mind for a split second says, "there is no way this is happening"...."there is no way this is for real, he will come back, he will be sorry and he will do something amazing to try and show how sorry he is." This lasts for a split second and then I realize what an asshole he is and then I move to anger.

Relief: If only I could stay here for most of my time the pain would pass much quicker. I don't have to deal with him putting me down, I feel free from his rude comments and misplaced anger, I feel hopeful that someday I will find someone who is all he could never be, I no longer have to deal with his unreasonable, coddling, imbalanced mother. I don't have to be with someone who exists only to work, I feel relieved that I finally get a chance to be with someone who appreciates me and my dogs and all that I bring to the table.

Regret: I should have left him months ago. I should have seen this coming. I shouldn't have held my tongue in those moments when he said terrible things to me. I shouldn't have given him so much credit. I am a terrible judge of character. I regret the day I met him, I regret moving in with him, I regret ever trying to convince myself that he was more than what he really was.

Acceptance: Granted it is only day one, which is why I'm sure I have spent very little time in this stage. I accept that he has left...and that is okay with me. What I struggle to accept is the horrible way in which he chose to leave. I can't accept that and I don't know if I ever will.

Forgiveness: He sent me a text message - - yes a chicken shit text message - - saying that he hopes one day I will be able to forgive him. I don't know if I will ever get to that point. Right now I am stuck in the "I want you to burn in hell and torment" point. And quite honestly I am pretty comfortable here.

When you're going through a break up you need your friends. I have grown terrified of quiet rooms in my house. Going into the bedroom feels like diving to the bottom of a pool, holding my breath long enough to grab some clothes and then having to burst out, scared that I am going to drown.

My friends have gathered around me like I knew they would. Those with significant others stand in strength. My single friends do the same, but are silently thanking their stars that they aren't me. They ask questions trying to decode the mystery of it all, hoping to spare themselves some pain in the future based on my experience.

One of my friends wants to egg his car, T.P. his mom's house and call him to yell at him. While I would never let her do so (nor would she ever follow through) I love the idea of it and have spent a good part of today picturing it in my head. But I am human and with that comes the need for revenge. And oh, how badly I want revenge. I want to punch him in the face, say all the mean things I held inside because I didn't want to hurt him. I pray that I will get it one day..and when I do it will be the revenge in finding someone wonderful that is everything he wasn't. Someone who appreciates me the way I deserve, someone who loves me for my faults and for my strengths. And for as long as I need it I will sing along with Gloria, watch as many movies as I can and lean on my family and friends. I did love the idea of who he was but he turned out to be nothing at all. He isn't my lobster...he may have moved out but I will move on.