I called my boyfriend, Paul (I am sure that he will be happy that the first time I decide to publicly declare him my boyfriend and transition him from virtual anonymity is through a story about a cockroach) I made him stay on the phone with me as I desperately weighed my options of what to do with the roach offender.
Obviously my first move was to go into my bedroom closet to put on a pair of boots to keep a safe distance between my bare toes and that fuckers erratic antennae. I then put Paul on speaker phone (I am fast forwarding past the part where I asked him a few times to drive for an hour over to my house to take care of this for me--in hindsight I realize I didn't actually cry which I should have done...maybe then he would have come). There was a lot of screaming involved as I moved the chair in the closet and the cockroach bolted towards me. I took the black heel in my hand and tried my best to smash him. I am not sure if it was because I had my eyes closed or if the roach was so large that he managed to lift my shoe off of him but it took me three hits to finally make contact. When the madness commenced I realized I was out of breath, shaking and sweaty. My throat was also a little sore from screaming.
I am not proud of the fact that I was so terrified, nor am I proud of the fact that I have cockroaches (let's be honest what are the chances that's the only one?). My apartment which I once considered to be kept fairly clean and orderly has now transformed to the most disgusting filthy feeling place on earth.
Once I gained my composure I thought I would commemorate this experience and pay tribute to the fallen roach on my blog...maybe it is strange but I don't think anyone should face a tragedy alone - - so I am making lemonade out of a roach which in some countries is quite the delicacy.
What I have learned from my cockroach experience:- I am a girl. I pride myself on being independent, self sufficient and pretty brave. This experience has taught me that I am a huge girl..girly girly girl. After I finish this blog I am on my way to go on a shopping spree to buy an entire wardrobe of pink and wear a tiara.
- I wouldn't last past the second round of Fear Factor. I could do the scary daredevil round but when it came to the eating bugs, sitting in bugs letting bugs crawl all over you portion of the show...I would have to fold and go home.
- I am terrified of cockroaches. I thought I was only really scared of insects with necks like praying mantis', grasshoppers and crickets. But cockroaches don't have necks but still manage to scare the living crap out of me.
- When I get married screw the for richer or poorer, sickness and health vows...my marriage will require a strict, "my husband must kill any insects, rodents, and any other creepy crawly thing that comes along" policy (Although this is a gross overstatement it doesn't change the fact that I am considering picking out a mail order husband from Moscow).
And because I believe in the power of the interweb in all it's glory I googled cockroaches and found some very fun cockroach facts that I thought I would share with you:
Interesting and Disgusting Cockroach Facts
- Number of legs on a cockroach 18
- Number of knees on most cockroaches
- 40-- Number of minutes cockroaches can hold their breath
- 75 -- Percentage of time that cockroaches spend just resting
- Some female cockroaches mate once and are pregnant for the rest of their lives
- Better Check Those Cracks in the Wall Young cockroaches need only a crack as thin as a dime to crawl into.
- Adult males can squeeze into a space of 1.6mm or the thickness of a quarter.
- Cockroaches can run up to three miles in an hour. (I will attest to this fact since when I missed the cockroach the first 2 times with my shoe I was convinced he was running towards me at a dead sprint.
- And the most concerning fact of them all...Cockroaches can live for up to 3 hours WITHOUT THEIR HEAD!
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